Everyone wants love, I mean what’s better than a companion that is with you throughout your whole life? Nothing, however, the process of acquiring a mate like this is much more difficult than it seems – and I’m sure we all know that by now.
Love is something that humans have studied forever. Literally, love has been a baffling concept throughout the entirety of humanity. We have always wondered what it takes to make a relationship last a lifetime. Many people have different theories on what it takes to make it last a lifetime, especially an author Emily Smith. She states that all of the couples that get married, only three out of ten of them remain happy. Likeso, psychologist Ty Tashiro outlines this theory in his book, The Science of Happily Ever After.”
Marriage has been studied for the past few decades. In the nineteen seventies researchers studied married couples by observing them in the time of crisis. They were doing this because of the rapid increase in divorces. They were concerned with the effects it might have on children, so they studied what it really takes to make a marriage last. In the study, scientists hooked up electrodes to the couples and had them to speak about their relationship. They were asked to describe a series of things such as the best memory they have together, where they met, and a major conflict they have been through together.
The scientists measured the patient’s blood flow, heart rates, and how much sweat they produced. By studying these factors, researchers were able to separate them into two different categories; the disasters and the masters. The researchers scheduled a follow-up meeting with the participants six years later to see if they were still together – The masters were happily married, and the disasters were either separated, divorced, or chronically unhappy in their marriages.
They studied these factors because the problem showed that the disasters showed all the signs of arousal in their relationships. The researchers claimed, “having a conversation sitting beside their spouse was, to their bodies, like facing off with a saber-toothed tiger.
“There’s a habit of mind that the masters have,” Gottman explained in an interview, “which is this: they are scanning their social environment for things they can appreciate and say thank you for. They are building this culture of respect and appreciation very purposefully. Disasters are scanning the social environment for partners’ mistakes.”
The researchers found that the number one factor that tears couples apart is people who focus on criticizing their partners. They say that the people who focus on criticizing their partners miss about 50% of the positive things.
“Kindness doesn’t mean that we don’t express our anger,” Julie Gottman explained, “but the kindness informs how we choose to express the anger. You can throw spears at your partner. Or you can explain why you’re hurt and angry, and that’s the kinder path.”